Watching Ace of Cakes where Duff and the crew of Charm City Cakes have a blast frosting their fantastical cakes you’d think working in a bakery was fun. The reality is that it’s a cruddy job. Not as bad as testing cat food for quality control but right up there. I know someone who refuses to eat anything with cinnamon on it because of her time in a donut shop. I worked on a bakery once. Everything was covered with some sticky substance composed of sugar, flour, grease, dirt and what have you. Sticky has to be my one big neurotic twitch and peeling that “glaze” with a roof scraper we used for tar roofs is one of the highlights of my working life. Add in the ovens making it seem like you were working in an oven then factor in that the wall behind the vent hood was packed with a rancid grease sludge. I started to look for Sigourney Weaver in case we had to kill giant acid spewing aliens who were angry for disturbing their nest.
I escaped unmolested by anything but wonderful memories but a bakery is number two on the list of places I’d rather not work. If you must know a brewery tops it out. Enjoy your Budweiser folks. Get on with it you say. It’s so hot the glass is melting out of the windows and you’re not getting to the point. Did you know glass is actually a liquid? Oh yeah get to the point.
I’m standing in line at the supermarket, there are about twenty summer people in line getting shopping carts full of deli and all I want is some turkey. Hey the glass is melting out of the windows and I don’t want to cook anything while I’m cooking myself. There’s a goody table there to tempt the poor souls trapped in deli purgatory. They have these cookies with a huge chunk of chocolate in the middle that if you microwave the Dalai Lama shows up and blesses you for having achieved perfection. The entire bakery crew is gathered around this table of forbidden delights Of course I listen I just wrote a whole article about cookies maybe I’ll get a lead on a hot story.
“Only girls want to eat pink and white cupcakes.” Says the manager. I can tell she’s the manager because she hasn’t got any flour on her apron. “She was unsupervised and I only stepped out for a moment and the cupcakes were frosted pink and white by the time I got back.” Says the supervisor. I can tell she’s the supervisor because she’s got the clipboard. I’ve seen her out back smoking before while walking Charlotte. “I did the green and yellow cupcakes.” says ordinary baker one. I’m not sure why the ugly green and yellow cupcakes are sanctioned. Maybe the store owner is a Notre Dame alumni. “I’ll buy them and take them home to the kids.” says the chastised ordinary baker number two. I didn’t listen to the rest of the conversation because there was some woman from Vermont* about to steal my place in line and I had to forearm block her and move up to shout “Turkey” to the deaf deli attendant.
What’s this little slice of life about? I’m not really sure. Maybe it’s the ludicrous American management style that’s having conferences about minor things like pink cupcakes. Maybe it’s that kids will eat pink cupcakes even though they’re girly. I know I would have. The reality is more that I promised myself that I’d do a month of daily posts as practice and I’m astonished that you read this far. I shall exit on the apologies of Shakespeare through the mouth of Puck
If we shadows have offended,
Think but this, and all is mended,
That you have but slumber’d here
While these visions did appear.
And this weak and idle theme,
No more yielding but a dream,
Gentles, do not reprehend:
if you pardon, we will mend:
And, as I am an honest Puck,
If we have unearned luck
Now to ‘scape the serpent’s tongue,
We will make amends ere long;
Else the Puck a liar call;
So, good night unto you all.
Give me your hands, if we be friends,
And Robin shall restore amends.
*I have no idea where the nice lady at the Deli was from. She actually said: “He’s in front of me.” and pointed while I was still eavesdropping on the fantastic cupcake conference. She reminded me of one of my favorite readers so she ended up being from Vermont.