Twilight: Eclipse

“Doesn’t he have a shirt?” Hell if I had a body like Taylor Lautner I’d hang out in the snow with my shirt off too. If I wasn’t casually flexing my pecs at Bella I’d be romping around as one of the most gorgeous werewolves to hit movies in ages. Friends of Bella should be loaning her InuYasha and telling her to practice the “SIT” command. Woof babe, drop that cold undead dreamboat and come be with a man who can keep you warm at night. I suppose that makes me a member of Team Jacob. Face it guys if you don’t care whether it should be Edward or Jacob just don’t do Twilight.

It’s easy to knock twilight. I’ve read some really venomous feminist critique of Stephanie Meyer. Some of the criticism might be valid: “Do we really need a gossip girl update of all the old Universal Studio Monsters?” asked one critic. Maybe not but it’s here and a lot of people enjoy the books and movies. Like it or not you’re looking into the psyche of a lot of women when you watch or read Twilight. Bella tells Edward at a key turning point, “It’s a choice between who I should be and who I am.” Bella Swan just isn’t a role model. She’s a proxy for desire, real desire, the kind you hardly dare admit to yourself even late at night. There’s nothing quite like kissing your boyfriend goodbye then snuggling up against his bare-chested rival as he carries you through the woods. Not to mention emasculating him again a short time later when he has to watch all night because he’s cold blooded and cuddles the wolf boy can put his hot body (hey it’s in the movie) next to yours all night. It’s enough to make even a civilized vampire go postal. As a man it’s sometimes terrifying to peek at what’s deep down inside women but it’s always fascinating. Vive la différence!

So I’d say even if that smoldering teenager is hidden deep inside you head out to see twilight. If you’re not a fan already bring one with you to explain why you should get excited about this detail or that. I saw a few confused looking husbands or boyfriends in the audience. On the way out there was lots of possessive touching and stroking by their ladies. They understood that all right. At least one couple didn’t make it home. Their car was parked in the pullout where Charlotte usually gets a walk. Getting to steam up the windows long after you’re sixteen is worth the price of two movie tickets.

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12 Responses to Twilight: Eclipse

  1. Patrick says:

    It is not my bag, but hey, if people dig it, cool. I am also pretty sure I will miss this one in the theatres.. will I check it out someday on Netflix or whatever?? probably..

    • Vickie McCarty says:

      It’s definitely entertainment. Probably best to suspend your disbelief. Nothing wrong with pecs. My impression is that it followed the book pretty faithfully. Teenage desire and romance seems to be a biological imperative. I like Jasper Hale and Alice Cullen. I enjoyed the civil war flashback. I also liked the the idea of the vampire newbies. It describes adolescence to a tee.

  2. As a fan of the books (not so much the movies, though Eclipse was better than the first two), I’m always appreciative when someone who’s a non-fan is open minded about it. I don’t even care if you like it… I mean, you’re not raving about it here or anything… but you’re right about how venomous some people are about it. That makes me angrier than anything else…

    These stories are essentially fairy tales. And anyone who thinks the princesses in fairy tales are role models needs to take another look at some Hans Christian Anderson again. If you look at the Twilight series as brain candy, you should be good.

    And yeah… nothing wrong with steaming up them windows!

    • chikuba says:

      Thanks for taking a look Morgan. Thanks to you and our conversation on Creative Alliance I knew what was going on when one of the werewolves turned out to be a woman and I was prepared for Rosalie’s tragedy even while I laughed at the wedding dress murder. Just how do you clean all that blood off a white wedding dress? Vampires are so impractical.

  3. Jenny Beans says:

    I read the books with the Squeenager, and I enjoyed them until we read the fourth book. The fourth book destroyed the entire story for me and forced me to go back and look at it in my evil, critical, English literature major fashion. I was all for team Jacob until I realized Jacob was a stupid putz who’d never get over stupid Bella… who in my opinion needs to be dropped on her head to get some sense knocked into her. Moron Bella.

    I have only seen Twilight. No New Moon, No Eclipse. Not sure if I ever will watch either. I’m a vampire snob. I want my vampires to kill people the way they used to… not sparkle like teeth in an Orbit gum commercial.

  4. chikuba says:

    It’s not bad to never get over a woman. It shows that a man can love hard and have total loyalty. Love isn’t a finite resource, you don’t have just enough for one lover, one child or one little black dog. It’s part of being a real man to respect the choice of a woman. If Jacob spends the next twenty books mooning after Bella as she raises her little vampire brood I’ll agree he needs to get a life. If he gets himself a nice woof girl and loves her just as much as he did Bella but can still be wistful about his old flame then I’m still Team Jacob.

    As far as sparkly vampires are concerned I’m still with Timmy’s Con T-shirt slogan: And then Buffy staked Edward. The End!

  5. Penny says:

    I’d rather fly on Pandora

    • chikuba says:

      Penny you do know that when a person with breasts shows up at a sci-fi convention and says anything remotely coherent about liking hard sci-fi more than elves or vampires she’s instantly elevated to the position of goddess and worshiped.

  6. Penny says:

    No! Where and When is the next convention?

  7. englishnerd says:

    What I like about the Twilight series is that it gets people who aren’t readers to start reading, and I’m all for that, no matter how flawed the story is.

    I personally don’t like the books, primarily because of how the 4th one ends. I’m with Jenny, book 4 was when my English degrees came out and tore the story apart. I appreciate that they are fluff that people enjoy reading, but the plot holes are too big at the end to make the story enjoyable for me. And I don’t appreciate being manipulated by the author – I didn’t like when Thackeray did it in Vanity Fair, and I don’t like it in the Twilight series. But I also don’t disparage people for enjoying them, because who am I to judge? I read mostly stories about places that don’t exist, or creatures that I hope never do.

    I really liked you review of the movie. It made me almost want to see it, if only for the depiction of the werewolves. And your analysis of the movie highlighted aspects of the story as a whole that I missed in my overall dislike for the series – thanks for that.

    And Penny, the next big con in CA is the San Diego Comic-Con (SDCC) toward the end of the month. I don’t know about others as I can’t afford to fly anywhere for a con.

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